Wanting
October 20, 2010
I open my eyes in the morning and want. Something. Just because R is there, in bed, next to me, I think that somehow I deserve his attention. Now, immediately, or whenever I think of it or – did I mention that? - want it. It seems so natural – on the way to the bathroom, I look for his eyes, a recognition, automatically, just to be sure, as though I wasn’t convinced yet that he loves me, that he is here – has been for almost two years now! As though all my fibers are programmed to want, endlessly, insatiably, like a sponge ready to soak it all up. And what exactly?
R just lives, while my eyes are turned on him more often than I want to admit, if not outwardly, then inwardly. It’s a program. It runs automatically, I don’t have to chose it. Maybe years ago it served women well to keep an eye out, to make sure we still had our masters benevolence and attention – anything less might have meant death. Maybe it is now wired into our genes, in our so called ‘nature’. And there might be many other reasons, I would love to hear your comments on that!
Now I can chose. I am practising to leave it, him and myself alone. Did an experiment- to act more like him – going about my business, leaving what is between us alone. It is such a relief! Then, suddenly, we meet, unexpectedly, free, without the greedy hand inside of me grabbing a hold of any attention.
October 20, 2010 at 11:04 pm
Where is this train of thought leading to? Have you got a map? How will you know when you got to where you want to be?
October 21, 2010 at 9:53 pm
Hi Astrid, thank you for being here and commenting! I think there might be a comment behind your questions, and I am curious about what you are getting at. But if I understand you right, I would say that I am interested in the (in this case female) program that is running me, and that does not match the truth of who I have discovered myself to be on the deepest level. There is nothing missing there and no wanting.
By writing about it, I am hoping to shed some light on these phenomena, show how impersonal they are and create some space in which to make choices that are in line with an unconditioned part of ourselves. When women do this together, like on the retreat in Colorado with Andrew (Cohen) this summer, an incredible freedom emerges. To me, that is working a deeper women’s liberation.
And re. the map and getting where I want to be: I think there will always be further to go, for sure.